Things Your Diving Instructor
Didn't Tell You!
A selection of Rick Delphi's diving parables ©

• Don't take up diving to get a suntan.
• People who look good with a mask on are usually ugly without one.
• Inverse Law of Patches: A diver's ability is inversely proportional to the number of patches they wear
• Diving unprotected with a stranger is like having unprotected sex with a stranger.
• Never clear a snorkel on a Mexican Federale'
• Anyone who says they have never been afraid while diving hasn't been diving or is a bad liar.
• Never use a sun intensifier lotion within 30 miles of the Equator.
• People say the funniest things when you shut their air off.
• Never have sex underwater above a coral reef.
• Dry Suits and Beers do not mix
• How to avoid shark attacks:
  • Never Leave Kansas
  • Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
  • Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
  • Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy
• Buddies are never where you need them to be.
• You WILL run out of film before the Whale Shark Swims By
• 60 minute camcorder batteries aren't
• One should never make a night dive on a coral reef after taking:
  • Acid
  • Marijuana
  • Black Russians
  • Prosaic
  • Sleeping Pills
• You can spot divers by:
  • Funny Tan Lines
  • Big Watch
  • Says "Huh" alot
  • Bad shocks and springs in car
  • Scars from trigger fish bites
  • Expertise on anti-histamines
• You can spot old time divers by:
  • Funny Tan Lines
  • Big Expensive Watch
  • Old Jeep with bad shocks
  • Log Book has volume number on cover
  • Deaf in at least one ear
  • Has multiple scars.
  • Has cylinders older than you are
  • Talks about making their first wet suit
  • Dive gear is faded
  • Limps from Dysbaric Osteonecrosis
• You can spot newbie divers by:
  • Sunburned
  • Timex Watch
  • Nice car
  • Fills in all the blanks in their logbook
  • No diving related scars
  • Says "Wow, did you see that" alot
  • Equipment looks nice
  • Perfect hearing

Good Things to say to Students or Things Instructors Say

• Welcome to the foodchain folks, you are no longer on the top!
• So what's your point?
• Ah, we did cover this in class didn't we?
• What part of this did you understand?
• No, descending butt first is not acceptable
• You couldn't make it to class because your what died?
• I'm sorry, but no matter what the store owner said I'm not going to carry all your gear around for you
• Yes Sir, a bad attitude does come with the job
• I see, you just forgot to mention the epilepsy
• Yes, I know you were scared, but don't ever bite me again!
• What do you mean you always bleed like that?
• You don't want to do the buddy breathing because you have what!
• No, this isn't all I do for a living
• Yes, this is what I do for a living...why?
• No Sir, I really can't explain all the biochemical reactions in the body to hyperbaric stress..BTW, what did you say you did for a living?
• Don't worry about this dive UNLESS..______ !
  (fill in from below)
  • You hear the theme music from JAWS
  • You see someones foot hanging out of a fish's mouth
  • All the fish on the reef disappear
  • You see the boat pass you going down while you're on the anchor line.
• You know your too deep when I start looking good
• You know you need to lose weight when remore' and pilot fish start hanging around you.
• You know you need to lose a lot of weight when you can't complete a beach dive because the "Save The Whale Foundation" folks keep pushing you back in the water.

Things Dive Masters Say

• I don't care who the hell you are Mr. Cousteau. Everyone does a pool checkout!
• To a nice looking lady carrying her handbag onboard:
  • Can I help you with that mam?
• To a guy carrying a set of twin 120's onboard
  • Looks heavy dude!
• You should've been here last week, the visibility was great
• You didn't see the whale shark?
• This is just my day job. I want to be an instructor and make the big bucks

Things Store Owners Say

• REFUNDS!..We Don't Give No Stinking REFUNDS!!!!
• Ok, it's 2 AM, you drive till we get there
• As their instructor, they trust you..so sell like hell!
• Look, I'm, letting you take the boat trips for free, what else do you want?
• I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on classes
• I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on trips
• I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on equipment sales
• Sorry about the problem with that check
• Well, I couldn't find the student certification forms you signed, so I signed them off myself. BTW, did I mention that I had enough certifications now to get my Master Instructor!
• Let's see, that will be $3,289...ooops! I forgot the mask clear, that will be $3,292.45!
• If I gave you 10% off, I couldn't stay in business!
• It's the instructor's fault
• Sure, anyone can learn to dive, now what was that problem you had?
• Ok, so your out of the hospital, when can you take another class?
• You want a compass...hmmm, you must mean a directional monitor

Things Divers and Customers Say

• Yeah, like I was in the SEALS, but I can't find my card
• You got any of that scuba stuff here? (toothpick in mouth manditory)
• Can I be certified by tonight, I'm leaving for Cancun tomorrow
• My friend Chuck took me diving once. Can I get a discount?
• I never had this problem before
• Can I hold your hand during the dive?
• Are you married?
• What do you mean I made a 36 on the test?
• I hate your guts
• Thank you very much!

The Great Lies of Scuba Diving

• Sure, anyone can learn to dive!
• Diving is perfectly safe!
• Nah, you don't have to be a good swimmer to dive
• You can learn to dive in just three days!